Pushing the Button

Pushing the button --

Send, Buy, Accept --

will never be quite as exciting to me as closing the door to the mailbox.

But it's still exciting.





In the past two days, I've had several opportunities to push big buttons and feel that swirly in my stomach it can bring.

One group of big buttons I pushed are too personal to talk about, but they reminded me how scary it feels to send what's on your mind to someone you love.

Another big button push came when I hit SUBMIT in the eGMS Federal Government Report system (with 2 hours to spare on my deadline!) for the final report of the NEH grant project we've been working on since 2009. I only came on board for this one about 18 months ago, but they have been a packed 18 months. End result of all this work is the Chicago Foreign Language Press Survey. This is one of my favorite digital resources we've worked on. Where else can I come across a reference to the Roentgen Ray machine?

That button push reminded me what a relief it can feel to send something out. And also how frustrating it is to see typos, or poor choices of words, or things you want to change .. but it's too late.

The last big button push was a simple invitation to dinner to someone I don't know and didn't imagine, before yesterday, I might be sharing a roasted pig and beer with. That button push reminded me how funny and strange life is.

When you push the button, you can't go back and correct the typos.
When you push the button, you can't change the ideas.
When you push the button, you can't take it back.
When you push the button, you risk criticism and rejection.

I'm really close to finishing Volume One, Number One of my Museum of Round.

I think this weekend.

It's personal and weird and not at all how I imagined it looking in my head.

But it's mine and when it is done I am going to push the button.


In this case, I actually do get to close a door, to the Free Library Box.
I wonder how it's going to feel?

Opportunities

It's 1994, maybe late 1993?
Either way, Bill Clinton is president.
Star Trek is on to Deep Space Nine.
Everyone is either talking about or about to start talking about Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding.
Kurt Cobain will soon be dead and OJ is about to take a white Bronco ride.

I'm fresh out of Library School (yes, you really do need a degree for that, a Masters degree, and no, I don't read books all day)and somehow have the unwarranted responsibility and trust to direct the Hamtramck Public Library. The city is broke, my salary can't be much more than minimum wage, and the book-buying budget is practically non-existent. I try to make do. We can do Inter-library Library Loan with other WOLF libraries(Wayne Oakland Library Federation)and we've got a depository agreement with the Detroit Public Library for a rotating set of Polish, Ukrainian, Russian language books.

Until one-day, two opportunities--two grant opportunities from the State of Michigan--make their way to my desk. The first is for a computer(!) and the second is for collection development. The entire staff is skeptical about that first one. Especially since this computer is supposed to be available for the public to use and that's just going to be trouble. What do we need a computer for? Our catalog is not online and, even though people are starting to talk about some thing called the World Wide Web, its not like we're NASA or MIT, why would a public library need access to that even if it does take off? I write it anyway, and we get it.

The second grant opportunity garners a bit more excitement, we do a survey of all of our science books. During science fair at the schools we are swamped with kids trying to figure out how to make a lava-spewing volcano or make a lightbulb shine with twist-ties and a damp sponge (I thin I might be making that one up?)There are never enough books, we have to limit check out. And worst of all, we during the collection survey we confirm that more than 80% of the books are more than 20 years old... the library has been broke for years. So I write that one too, and we get it. We all have a great time ordering and putting those new books on the shelves, and I have become ...a Grant Writer.

Fast forward a couple years.
I've broken up with my high school/college/grad school/first job boyfriend and I am ready to leave my home state. I pack the cat into the Honda a few days before Christmas, head west, and soon find myself at the Denver Public Library. In a beautiful office with a view of the mountains and the expectation that I will get some grants to digitize and catalog the amazing photography collection in the Western History department. Based on those two Hamtramck grants and my library degree, I've somehow convinced people to give me chance. I try hard not to act as clueless as I feel.

One-year and two million dollars later, Im lucky enough to leverage my success to become the Curator of Photography and the Digital Imaging Projects manager, And when I leave Denver in 2002, to move back midwest to Chicago, the Newberry Library hires me first to manage cataloging projects and grants and then to start up a new department, managing and digital humanities grants and always .. always... looking for more money, looking for more opportunities.

(A dragonfly woman flaps her wings in Hamtramck Michigan in 1994 ....)

I've spent a fair amount of time in my life, day-dreaming about and hoping for that event (or that day, or that chance meeting) where life turns on a dime. You see it happen in movies all the time. Of course I only dream about the good magic moments -- taking that class and discovering I have an amazing and previously unknown talent and a new passion at the center of my world. Meeting eyes with the man at the end of the bar while Bell Bottom Blues is playing, and falling in love. I never hope,of course, for a bad magic moment like those middle of the night calls from a hospital, bad mammograms, two soldiers in dress uniform on the doorstep.

But I also spend time wondering what things have happened that didn't shake-up my world right away, but will turn out to be important, turn out to be transformative. Maybe the disappointing class or hobby I'm no good at is going to give me an idea for something else? Maybe someone at this boring book club will become a friend ... and invite me to a party 5 years from now, where I will meet eyes with a man on the other side of the room? Writing those grants 20 years ago, for the science books and the public library computer, turned out to be like that. I never dreamed how many opportunities those two opportunities would send my way.

I am very excited to say that another one has arrived! I've been asked (and accepted and been voted-in and approved) to serve on the board for 2nd Story, an organization I've loved for several years now. I am honored to be able to put my fundraising skills(also known as a willingness to ask for money for things I believe in) to work for such a great organization. 2nd Story believes that sharing stories has the power to educate, connect, and inspire. 2nd Story exists to host the celebration and ritual of shared stories. In practical terms, 2nd Story has fabulous classes (you should take one, it might change your life!) and wonderful story telling events. I've had so many great evenings with them: listening, eating cheese, drinking wine. I've been inspired, I've gotten to know friends (and my mom) better during between-story conversations.

Life is twisty and you don't always know what will end up being important. It sure is fun though and its exciting to see it unfold.